Part 4: Wherein Troublesome Wildlife and Senile Old Men Feature Prominently

Music: Timbermist Woods (Tindeck)

Last time, we reached Timbermist Woods, where a mystic named Darm would be able to help us out. Since we've reached a new area, Brandon now has something new to say when we click on him.



Where is everybody? ... Too bad I can't take a quick nap.

Naturally, it's still nothing but complaints. A little ways down the road is a dumpy-looking thatched roof cottage.



Another big sign... but no front door. Is this thatch, or just weeds thrown on the roof?

It looks kind of unhygienic, but let's go inside.

Hello-- anybody home? Boy, it's dark in here. Darm? Brandywine?



Hey, we found Darm, eldest member of the royal mystics. Occupying most of his house is his pet dragon Brandywine. She also happens to be the smartest person we'll encounter for a while, although frankly that's not saying much when the competition consists mainly of Herman and, as we shall soon see, Darm himself.

Video: Darm (Youtube)

Music: Darm's Abode (Tindeck)



May I help you?
He asked for ME! Why would he visit you? What do you want boy? Are you taking orders for cheese?
This is Brandon, you old dolt. You know... Kallak's grandson. The one on a quest to overthrow Malcolm's power.

I'm a little concerned about how Brandywine knows that, given that we only found out ourselves a little while ago and the bridge has been out. Did one of Darm's walls come alive too?

I knew that. So, Branson, you're a dancer? That seems odd.

Darm is one of the best characters in the game, by the way.

I'll need a quill.
A what?



Perhaps the crisis has inspired him.
Are you saying I scattered papers about just to look busy? ... Say, could YOU brush a dragon's teeth?



Do I smell cats on your breath?
Is it my fault I don't eat knights? Yech! All sweat and muscle, and so hard to peel!



Brynn thought so.
If you'd just stop your dancing, Cramden, and bring me what I asked for!

Ughhh, another fetch quest. Darm needs a quill before he can provide us with any magical assistance. I'm not sure his help is going to be worth the hassle. For now let's just explore the area south of his hut and see if there's anything interesting going on.



Doesn't look like Malcolm is bothering the Kyrandian Garden Club.

There's a nice big gem fitted in the pedestal of that statue, but...

That emerald is really wedged in there.

Brandon's rampant disrespect for public property and propensity towards larceny is thwarted, for now. Continuing south takes us to the oldest living thing in Kyrandia, and also a big tree.



... but he's taking up the whole bench!

Not content with only soliticing one senile old man for help today, Brandon dives right in. Between Kallak, Darm, and this guy, Brandon's total circle of acquaintances seems to have an average age of about 80.

Video: Nolby (Youtube)

Music: Nolby (Tindeck)

*COUGH* *COUGH*

There is no way to do the video justice. Nolby's hacking and wheezing is pretty gross, but Brandon is undaunted.

Good morning, Nolby.
*HACK* *WHEEZE* I'm busy. Go away. Your mumbling distracts me. Please leave and go.
I need a quill, sir. Can you direct me?

I'm not really sure why Brandon would think this old geezer knows where to get a quill, anyway. Maybe hassling the elderly is just some weird hobby of his.

What for? *ACKACKACK*
Darm requests it. I am collecting magic to fight Malcolm.
I know of Malcolm. He scares the birds. There is one songbird left, but...



I'm sorry to hear that. But I still need a quill.
If you would harvest, you must sow! *WHEEZE*

Believe it or not, Nolby's incoherent rambling has given us a clue for an upcoming puzzle, which means he's only the second most useless senior citizen we've run into today.

To the immediate south is just more generic forest with nothing interesting in it. If we go east from where Nolby is sitting, we come across an old well.



Looks like Herman fixed this.

Sounds about right.

... Hello? Anybody down there?

Nope, nobody's home. There really isn't anything to do here, either. North of here...



... we find that songbird Nolby was talking about.

That bird is definitely hurt... how can his wing bend like that?

Sadly, the bird seems unwilling to surrender a feather for us to give to Darm, and we don't have any way to fix its broken wing, either. Our consolation prize is the lone walnut sitting casually on the ground.

Must be a small crop this year. I wonder what a floornut tastes like?

Did Kallak teach you these puns, Brandon? Maybe we're better off with him as a rock.



A little to the south and east is a little spring and a brook, next to which is yet another conspicuous gemstone just sitting out in the open. This one is an amethyst.

Oooh! Purple sparkles!

We can also grab the tulips on the right. We really only need one, but if we lose it somehow, we can come back here and get some more. The last thing we can do here for now is examine the brook in more detail.



I wish I had time to soak my feet.

So far, our search has yielded very little of any use, but we've only seen about half the locations in the new area so far. This part of the game is basically just a big open space for you to explore and collect random items (like these gemstones the Kyrandians apparently don't consider worth bending over for to pick them up). Once you reach critical item mass, you can start solving puzzles. South from the stream is another forest area, and to the east of that--



Hey, that's new.

Now why would I want to go into a cave like this?

I can think of several reasons off the top of my head, most involving the word "treasure". In you go, Brandon.



What the heck is that?



Oh, nuts.

Video: Malcolm Taunts Brandon at Serpent's Grotto (Youtube)

Music: Malcolm Encounter (Tindeck)



Were there none to test me better? Or do you believe in all Brynn's lies? Perhaps your MOTHER should assist you.
My mother is dead, sir...





Be careful, boy. Do not insult a man with knives.
Please move aside. I seek the cave.
Beware, young fool... my grip may slip!



No bother sir. You missed the mark.
I do not miss... except at will.

This entire exchange is so bizarre, and sounds painfully scripted. At this point we are given back control. Malcolm will just stand there doing nothing until we click on something. All right, we're not scared of some wimpy-looking clown, are we? We can just push right past him and waltz right into that cave--





Son of a submariner. All right, plan B.

The game expects one thing of you in this situation, and one thing only. Doing anything other than the expected action is another instant game over. Mercifully, and unlike some of the later life-and-death situations in the game, you don't need any special items or to have completed any particular puzzles to survive here. Click on the knife embedded in the tree behind Brandon, and...



I return your gift, kind sir.
I leave you now, and dodge your sorrow, but I may not be nice tomorrow!



Now that's scary. Which circus is HE from?

As usual, Brandon hasn't been paying much attention to what people have been trying to tell him about Malcolm. I'm not even sure Brandon realizes who he was talking to. At any rate, Malcolm has blocked our progress with a wall of solid ice, and we lack the means to do anything about that, so there's nothing left for us to do but return to exploring.

Most of the area surrounding the grotto is more nondescript woodland, but eventually we stumble upon this dreary-looking place.



Music: Deadwood Glade (Tindeck)

I don't want to see the gopher that dug this hole! It has to be as big as a dog!

We'll be back here eventually. Next on our tour of Timbermist Woods is the area west of the statue with the emerald in it.



This is beautiful! Nice work. Very professional.

I don't know, it doesn't even have walls. I would worry someone was going to steal that golden plate, if the Kyrandians hadn't already shown a drastic under-appreciation for precious minerals. Which, of course, is our cue to grab it for ourselves.



Sadly, we can't, and will have to make do with the treasure trove of gemstones we've got shoved into our trousers. Note the diamond-shaped indentations in the altar. I for one smell a puzzle, but it's another one we can't start yet.



West of the altar are a bunch of oak trees. We can nab one of the acorns, which of course means we must.



I think I'm going nuts.

I think we're going north.



The botanical marvel that is Kyrandia continues to astound with what appears to be a ruby tree. By the tree is a sign warning us of the danger of avarice, and the dehumanizing effect that sudden financial empowerment can have on the psyche, teaching us the valuable lesson that the easy way to success may come at the cost of subtle but irreparable damage to our souls.

Brandon, oblivious to any and all subtext as usual, jams his hand into the foliage and grabs a moist, delicious ruby.



Yeow! Ow! Ow! That snake bit me!

Aaaaaahh tree snake! How could we possibly have known there was some kind of danger in the tree? Note how the snake actually appears to be biting the mouse cursor. A nice little touch.



It was dangerous getting this ruby.

We do still get the ruby for our efforts, though. Say, Brandon, you look a little different. Probably nothing to worry about.



Oh, walk it off, Brandon. You complain too much about silly little things.

The poison...







Goddamnit.

The game has now graduated to handing out game overs for otherwise reasonable actions, with just enough delay between getting bitten and actually kicking the bucket that a careless adventurer might save over his only savegame. Looks like we need to figure out some way to deal with that snake before we can have ourselves a ruby. Nothing in our inventory seems especially helpful, so we're at another dead end.

We nearly have everything we need to start solving some puzzles. The last thing we need is actually sitting in one of the nondescript woodland locations waiting to be stumbled upon:



Oh no! Pitch!

Spare us the sap, Brandon. Heh.

All right, now that we've got this pinecone, we're ready to proceed. We have all the pieces needed to start solving a few puzzles and make some progress. However, that will have to wait for next time, when we will finally learn some real magic, and solve a bullshit puzzle.